So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
