Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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