Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
