so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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