if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
