You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
