I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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