Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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