Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
