I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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