i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
