Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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