If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
