Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize