Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
