The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
