Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
