Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
