I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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