i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
