Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
