So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
