He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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