Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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