dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
