What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
two words: eviction party
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
