my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We are all done wearing pants today
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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