My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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