I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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