Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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