im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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