They should really pass out barf bags in church
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
