My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
