my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
