someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
