The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
