i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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