She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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