booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
