She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk is a universal language darling
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