I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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