If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
