You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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