so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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