How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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