I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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