I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
