Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
