she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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