I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
